What is it about me that makes it so easy for others to walk away? I’ve had some amazing friendships and they still ended. There was no fight, no apparent misunderstanding. Just a month would fly by with no interaction, and no response to my invites. And then months down the road I can’t help but wonder why this is happening again?
I know that we are all only here for a time, that we must seek out experiences, try to make ours and the lives of others better. People come and go. I am glad for those friendships, what I gained from them. But why do they have to end this way? My feelings are hurt. I miss them. I reach out from time to time and only get about five minutes of their time. So sad.
Have you ever felt as though you were being left behind?
What is it within us that leads us to feel like our friends or family are no longer in sync with us? I have been missing a few of my friends for the last year. Our lives have gone in different directions and I feel a loss. Yesterday I began to wonder at this feeling of sadness. I asked myself “why does it hurt? Do I feel left behind as they move forward?”
I am going to focus on this for a short time. I want to look within myself and discover why it is that I feel hurt.
Ok, so as I have been thinking on this topic of mine, I have also felt a sense of release. I have come to realize that I feel as though others are moving forward and I am not, only I know for sure that I am moving forward. I miss those friends of mine. I would love to at least check in with them. I might. But I am going to let go of what their response might be. I am going to direct my attention to loving us all, regardless of what may come.
This feeling is freeing.
Today we bought a beautiful wood stove! It is 24″x18″x40″. Which will fit perfectly in our bus!
We are so excited about it. We found it in craigslist for $75. I can’t wait to lift it into its place.
Today I read on a social media site a friend’s posting about how she has no friends at all. And that everyone is only thinking of themselves. This woman is someone I speak to everyday, almost. I have been “here” for her for the last few years, and I trust her to watch my children. I call on her when I am in need and I continually remind her that I am here for her also. This isn’t the first time I have read that kind of post from her. It hurts. Kinda makes me want to pull back. I know she is going through some rough times, always. But why claim to have no one? It’s like, what am I here doing?
I have noticed that my blog has no regular visits from anyone. I don’t have a following. No one is reading my stuff! That is actually pretty neat.
I am not writing so much for others, but for myself. I do want feedback, I enjoy hearing how others think or feel about something I’ve written. But this writing for me thing is actually pretty cool! I feel kinda free, like I will be able to look back at what I’ve done and be proud that I got it out, and no one else is the wiser.
Now maybe I can spill my musings out here and not be afraid of my style, my tone, and least of all my spelling!
The leaves outside my client’s sliding glass door are a brilliant color yellow. There are flecks of orange, green, and brown throughout most of the leaves. There is a small breeze and the branches look to be floating, as the sun shines only for this tree in their back yard. I can hear the wind chimes tinkle and the far off highway, I’m so glad to have found my favorite sweater this morning.
Last April, my partner and I decided to buy a school bus and convert it into a tiny home. We planned to do this over several months while living in a house, but as life is ever-changing we bought the bus in time to move out of our rented house and into the bus.
The 25ft 1987 international school bus we purchased was previously converted by what looked like two separate people at different times. The front half looked to be taken from a 1950’s camper. The bunk was full sized and the bathroom was scary. There was also three feet of storage space in the back.
I think all that remains of that conversion is a small part of the cupboards. And even that is going to be replaced in time.
We started out by tearing almost everything out. We salvaged some of the lumber and screws, but most of it went to the dump.
Since we had to move in so quickly, it’s been a huge process getting things done. Most of our belongings are in storage. It’s nice, but also since its out of sight, it’s not being dealt with. I am trying to downsize and simplify our lives. We want to buy land and grow a huge garden.
So now that we have been living in the kaos for almost six months now, it actually looks like we are moving in the right direction! We also have children and that makes remodeling even more interesting! I’m very thankful for their patience. I plan to share pictures and our progress soon. It’s more to document things for our loved ones, but also ourselves.
More to come!
Today I came to the reoccurring realization that I lack trust in others. I envision treachery and abandonment. I ride a roller coaster of emotions as I fight my inner feelings of mistrust, just trying to build strong lasting friendship with others.
I want to reveal who I am on the inside and be accepted. Very few people know my deepest darkest secrets. I am afraid to let those skeletons out, though when I have I am received with real understanding, continual love. So why do I hold back?
As I take a step forward in my life and try to realign with my goals, I want to be open to the possibilities of what is coming. Maybe when I accept my past I can truly help others.
I am trying