Sadie walked into my life and challenged me. She showed me the same fierce love I show to others, she believed in me. I believed in her. She accepted and even asked for my help as often as I asked for hers. We felt safe in being vulnerable. She could be so nasty and rude sometimes and it was funny. I would laugh, she would laugh, and then you could see the soft side of her leak from the corners of hers eyes while she talked about the love she has for her dad. She was a momma. And she didn’t want to be like her momma. She wanted to be there. To be sober. To raise her daughters. She struggled, I mean we all do. She didn’t reach out, did she? I play those last few years back and I know I was just as busy and we didn’t visit often anymore. I wanted to, it wasn’t just me. I didn’t realize how badly she was hurting. It was in January that I heard from a mutual friend that she died. Her partner told me how. I couldn’t make it to the memorial. I miss her so damn much.
I’m still mad at her.
I want to live a simple life. What I mean to say is that I do not want possessions to clutter up or hold back my life. I feel that the less I have really the more I have. I do have a habit of receiving things from others that I may or may not need. This includes clothes for my children to grow into, empty photo albums in a bin next to thousands of pictures, and three pairs of boots. It really is much more than that, but I hope you get the idea of what I am up against. It is so dang hard to get rid of something that has use even if it is only used once a year(tree stand). I seriously struggle with the worry of not having enough to meet the needs of my family. The other side of that is each thing should have a place in our home, but it doesn’t. Moving into this 25″ bus has helped me to prioritize the masses of stuff. Some of my belongings have spent a great deal of time in boxes. We don’t have unused space in each place we have lived. It’s gotten to the point where I want to just get rid of it all. And I think I am ready to really purge.
This is kind of scary folks! Starting today I am going to go through all of my boxes of stuff. My plan is to downsize it by half before September. I will also pack those things not going away, but not really being used(keepsakes and such) into Tupperware bins for better storing.
I might need some help along the way.
I think each time I haul off a load I’m going to reflect and write about it here.
there is this space in between dreams and waking where you can almost feel the magic. Some search their whole lives for this feeling only to catch a slight glimpse of what others fully live through their entire journey. I am somewhere between. Right before my eyes open and are able to adjust to the realities of the morning. The bleeping alarm, the feeling of cold toes and snuggles that are just a little too hard for my slightly changing with age body. I am there just moments after the little one is picked up by his momma and about thirty minutes from beginning my evening chores of making dinner that takes too long and closing down the bus to keep the cold from creeping in with the mosquitoes. I sneak off, just to find some mushrooms to add to the meal, just to prance for a moment unencumbered by the weight of arms that wish to hold momma forever, bending low under branches, I am taken back to when I lived those dreams! To when my mind was filled with stories and dmt that flowed through my sensitive perceptive brain highlighting the magic all around me. I feel free. I feel like I really could lift my toes off the ground and float with the clouds that roll in over the south face of the mountain. I am bringing forth the magic of my ancestors, my children and all those who know. My tummy grumbles, a bite on the neck and a buzzing in my ear. Was I gone too long this time? Momma? I am here, let me show you.
What does it take to be a strong woman? Is it physical ability and endurance? Is it knowing when to keep your mouth shut, or when to speak up? Is it standing your ground? Is it pregnancy and hard labor? Breastfeeding in public? Caring for children who did not come from your body? Feeding your baby whatever way feels right to you? Sharing with other women? Working full time? Having children? Deciding to not have children? Staying home? Lifting others up? Joining the military? Or becoming a teacher? Is it crying when you have had enough, just so that you can continue on tomorrow? Is denying yourself? Is it indulgence? Is it doing the hard work with or without complaint? Is it admitting when you’re wrong? Or right? Is it being a warrior and a princess all in one?
Yep, and so much more.
What is it about me that makes it so easy for others to walk away? I’ve had some amazing friendships and they still ended. There was no fight, no apparent misunderstanding. Just a month would fly by with no interaction, and no response to my invites. And then months down the road I can’t help but wonder why this is happening again?
I know that we are all only here for a time, that we must seek out experiences, try to make ours and the lives of others better. People come and go. I am glad for those friendships, what I gained from them. But why do they have to end this way? My feelings are hurt. I miss them. I reach out from time to time and only get about five minutes of their time. So sad.
Have you ever felt as though you were being left behind?
What is it within us that leads us to feel like our friends or family are no longer in sync with us? I have been missing a few of my friends for the last year. Our lives have gone in different directions and I feel a loss. Yesterday I began to wonder at this feeling of sadness. I asked myself “why does it hurt? Do I feel left behind as they move forward?”
I am going to focus on this for a short time. I want to look within myself and discover why it is that I feel hurt.
Ok, so as I have been thinking on this topic of mine, I have also felt a sense of release. I have come to realize that I feel as though others are moving forward and I am not, only I know for sure that I am moving forward. I miss those friends of mine. I would love to at least check in with them. I might. But I am going to let go of what their response might be. I am going to direct my attention to loving us all, regardless of what may come.
This feeling is freeing.
Today we bought a beautiful wood stove! It is 24″x18″x40″. Which will fit perfectly in our bus!
We are so excited about it. We found it in craigslist for $75. I can’t wait to lift it into its place.