For the last few years I have been living without much direction. I just did what ever was needed to get by in the day to day, not really working towards much. I wanted to be at peace, to find happiness within myself. My husband and I decided to end our relationship during the last trimester of our final pregnancy together. We still shared a home, and it was emotionally difficult. He is one of my closest friends, but closing that chapter of our lives took some time, a lot of tears and talking it out, and eventually physical space. We have lived seperately for about 18months now. It doesn’t seem like much time, but a lot of growth has happened for the both of us.
I am at the point where I feel it’s time to get started on something. That isn’t to say I’m doing nothing though. I have some amazing children. I have a really nice relationship. And I have this old converted bus that is slowly continually evolving to meet our needs and desires. I could go back to school and try finishing my degree in social services. I could start a new path in school, maybe be a nurse? I could just keep being a part time nanny for friends to make ends meet? I don’t know what I want to do, I have the nagging urge to buckle down and do what others might want of me. Get a real job, put my babies into child care, move into an apartment…but I really don’t want to. Its summer, we still have a few things that need to be finished on the bus before we can park it somewhere that it can be properly connected. I like the simple life that comes with this home. I have a storage unit that I need to start going through and getting rid of things. My goal is to reduce the crud by half. I feel like I’m able to start living a more simplified life, one with more opportunity for taking the time to consciously raise my children, to work on improving myself, and to explore what it really means to be me. Part of being able to do that is my partner. He just accept me where I am and is fully interested in watching me grow as a person. Even when he doesn’t agree with whatever I think I’m into at the moment, he just sits back and watches me go through the process of trying things on, checking out my reflection. And then deciding if whatever it is will be a good fit or not. Wow! Amazing, right? I think so!
So anyhow, I am in this process. This wandering through my own mind, looking for answers, trying on schools of thought, weighing out the compatability of different ways of living. I don’t feel unhappy. I do like who I am, flaws and all! I just want to find what works and go with it to make life better for myself and my children.