Friendships can be so fleeting.

What is it about me that makes it so easy for others to walk away? I’ve had some amazing friendships and they still ended. There was no fight, no apparent misunderstanding. Just a month would fly by with no interaction, and no response to my invites. And then months down the road I can’t help but wonder why this is happening again? 

I know that we are all only here for a time, that we must seek out experiences, try to make ours and the lives of others better. People come and go. I am glad for those friendships, what I gained from them. But why do they have to end this way? My feelings are hurt. I miss them. I reach out from time to time and only get about five minutes of their time. So sad. 

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Have you ever felt as though you were being left behind? 

What is it within us that leads us to feel like our friends or family are no longer in sync with us? I have been missing a few of my friends for the last year. Our lives have gone in different directions and I feel a loss. Yesterday I began to wonder at this feeling of sadness. I asked myself “why does it hurt? Do I feel left behind as they move forward?”

I am going to focus on this for a short time. I want to look within myself and discover why it is that I feel hurt. 

Ok, so as I have been thinking on this topic of mine, I have also felt a sense of release. I have come to realize that I feel as though others are moving forward and I am not, only I know for sure that I am moving forward. I miss those friends of mine. I would love to at least check in with them. I might. But I am going to let go of what their response might be. I am going to direct my attention to loving us all, regardless of what may come. 

This feeling is freeing. 

I think I’ve reached a limit.

Today I read on a social media site a friend’s posting about how she has no friends at all. And that everyone is only thinking of themselves. This woman is someone I speak to everyday, almost. I have been “here” for her for the last few years, and I trust her to watch my children. I call on her when I am in need and I continually remind her that I am here for her also. This isn’t the first time I have read that kind of post from her. It hurts. Kinda makes me want to pull back. I know she is going through some rough times, always. But why claim to have no one? It’s like, what am I here doing?

Today I came to the reoccurring realization that I lack trust in others. I envision treachery and abandonment. I ride a roller coaster of emotions as I fight my inner feelings of mistrust, just trying to build strong lasting friendship with others. 

I want to reveal who I am on the inside and be accepted. Very few people know my deepest darkest secrets. I am afraid to let those skeletons out, though when I have I am received with real understanding, continual love. So why do I hold back? 

As I take a step forward in my life and try to realign with my goals, I want to be open to the possibilities of what is coming. Maybe when I accept my past I can truly help others. 

I am trying

Eggshells Forever Underfoot (second go)

For me, there comes a time when you don’t want to keep walking lightly anymore.

I make mistakes, many of them. I can be insensitive. What I say and do drastically effects others and I need to be mindful of how I behave. Intention means nothing to some.

I fail to see how my apology isn’t worth much, or how someone else can know me so well, that they know my heart and don’t consider it? I think they don’t really know me. I am so tired of watching my steps. 

I forget myself, is that right? Or is it that I am who I am, just like any other person. I make mistakes, I need love and understanding. At least half as much as I give? 

I don’t lash out when I have been wronged, or point out others flaws that make it seem like they are wrong, or different. 

One little crack, I hear it too late. Now I am left scraping myself off the floor, trying to remember that I am worthy, I am kind and giving. I make mistakes, it’s a part of living and growing. I remind myself that one person’s opinion doesn’t equate who I am, nor what everyone else thinks.

I make mistakes.

(One such mistake is trying to post this while being outside of wifi range, it deletes the whole thing. Rewriting a heartfelt thing with the same tone, no fun.)

Eggshells forever underfoot

For me, there comes a time when you just have to accept what is and try to live with it.

I know that in most situations I will make mistakes. I understand that making mistakes does not make me a bad person, and the opinions of one person do not equate the opinions of everyone. Nor do those opinions have any true standing in explaining who I am. 

Sometimes I forget myself, is that right? Or is it that I forget how to behave around others who are effected so drastically by my behavior? Could it be that I am so insensitive? Maybe. 

I know that what I say and do has a huge impact on others, I just wish it wasn’t so. I want to make mistakes and blunders and be able to say I am sorry and have that be believed. Intention means nothing to some. 

I am tired of paying attention, of trying to behave so that I do not offend others all the time. And do those people have to watch what they say to me? It doesn’t feel like it. Only I don’t point it out, I don’t get angry, or condemn. I just try to let it go, to understand where that person is coming from, I try to not take it personal. 

One little crack, I hear it only too late. And I am left trying to scrape myself off the floor, wishing is been silent, reminding myself that I am still a good person. I know me, I know my heart, my intent. It does matter, to me.

Where am I going?

For the last few years I have been living without much direction. I just did what ever was needed to get by in the day to day, not really working towards much. I wanted to be at peace, to find happiness within myself. My husband and I decided to end our relationship during the last trimester of our final pregnancy together. We still shared a home, and it was emotionally difficult. He is one of my closest friends, but closing that chapter of our lives took some time, a lot of tears and talking it out, and eventually physical space. We have lived seperately for about 18months now. It doesn’t seem like much time, but a lot of growth has happened for the both of us. 

I am at the point where I feel it’s time to get started on something. That isn’t to say I’m doing nothing though. I have some amazing children. I have a really nice relationship. And I have this old converted bus that is slowly continually evolving to meet our needs and desires. I could go back to school and try finishing my degree in social services. I could start a new path in school, maybe be a nurse? I could just keep being a part time nanny for friends to make ends meet? I don’t know what I want to do, I have the nagging urge to buckle down and do what others might want of me. Get a real job, put my babies into child care, move into an apartment…but I really don’t want to.  Its summer, we still have a few things that need to be finished on the bus before we can park it somewhere that it can be properly connected. I like the simple life that comes with this home. I have a storage unit that I need to start going through and getting rid of things. My goal is to reduce the crud by half. I feel like I’m able to start living a more simplified life, one with more opportunity for taking the time to consciously raise my children, to work on improving myself, and to explore what it really means to be me. Part of being able to do that is my partner. He just accept me where I am and is fully interested in watching me grow as a person. Even when he doesn’t agree with whatever I think I’m into at the moment, he just sits back and watches me go through the process of trying things on, checking out my reflection. And then deciding if whatever it is will be a good fit or not. Wow! Amazing, right? I think so!

So anyhow, I am in this process. This wandering through my own mind, looking for answers, trying on schools of thought, weighing out the compatability of different ways of living. I don’t feel unhappy. I do like who I am, flaws and all! I just want to find what works and go with it to make life better for myself and my children.